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the sudden entropyof apathy

    [“it’s hard to remember when apathy starts.”
        - kreddible trout,thundering word heard, august 18, 2002]

when the light cameon
i realized i lostan entire era of my life.

i had to check my watch
  though i couldn’tfind it
  because i hadstopped wearing it
  because theeffort required to put it on
  exceeded thevalue in knowing the time.

i had to check thecalendar
  but that wasmostly futile
  because i didn’tknow what day to compare to.

i realized someonehad switched my eyesight to black and white
  and my hearingto mono
  and stuffedcotton up my nose
  and sandpaperedmy tongued
  and put a wetsuit on me.

so i went to wreckbeach
  and dumpedthe wet suit
  jumped in thesurf and tasted mouthfuls of the ocean
  extracted thecotton to smell the salt in my hair 
   that i pulled around to my face to rest on my top lip
  floated onmy back to let the surf pound stereo back into my ears
  and i stoodon a sandbar
   facing west
   staring hard at the sea
   until i could see all the shades of blue water
   from here to the gulf islands.

today is the seedlingand the open eyes and uncriticized heart
  in the vulnerablyopen chest cavity
  and the serendipitymagnet of my soul
  and the beingon the lookout for phoenixes out from the common.

then i came back homeand left my watch in its drawer
  not becausetime didn’t matter
  but becauseit did
  so much sothat as moments go
   i needed to re-tune myself to being aware of the precious nowness of time
   that the ticking watch would just add needless anxiety
   of loss of potential and possibility and kinesis and temporal bliss.

and in the rise andfall of empires
  the eruptionand erosion of mountain ranges
  and the lustspark 
   and ember stirring 
   and shoveling sand over the cooling ashes of relationships
  the entropydoes rule
  but not withoutthe ecology growing a new tree
  from the stumpof a lightning-felled spruce.

Copyright 2002, StephenBuckley
08.23.02, 1200pm

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